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****Okay first off, this is to be read only if you have a sense of humor, and that you understand that this started on a comment thread and thus likely means I was incoherent at the time, and also you won’t be offended because I used religion for a fic. If you think you’re going to be offended… THEN DON’T READ THIS OBVIOUSLY, MMKAY. :D

--

Kame opens the slip of paper, reading the address for the second time. He looks up, checks the street sign--no way this could be right. But it is, and Kame can only worry as he walks up the stairs to the church. After all, Jin has this thing for having sex in public places.

He pushes the doors, walking in, the sound of it echoing like it does in movies. The place is empty, eerily quiet, and his footsteps echo as he approaches the altar. That’s when he spots a nun at the first pew, closest to the altar.

“Excuse me, sister--EH, JIN?! WHAT THE HELL.”

“Bad Kazu! You shouldn’t say such words in a church!”

Kame can only stare at Jin, clad in the formal black and white habit of a nun. He can only wonder at how Jin could have possibly gotten his hands on one. Jin has his hands folded in front of him, smiling a little too creepily, his hair sticking out awkwardly from under the veil.

“Jin, if this is supposed to turn me on, it isn’t working. Why are you doing this anyways?”

Jin pouts.

“Becaaauuuse~ Ever since you started filming One Pound no Fukuin, you haven’t let me see your body. And and then,” He sniffles here, “You go on tv and all of Japan gets to see you half-naked and that nice little waist of yours, when we haven’t had sex in ages.”

“Jin...”

“By the time you get home at night, more like in the morning anyways, at like 2 a.m., you’re too tired. And in the morning you wake up so early, and the first thing you do is sit ups, shower, and then leave for the studio.”

Kame sighs, smiling at Jin in what he hopes to be in a reassuring way.

“I’m sorry, Jin. You know, it’s work, I can’t help it.”

“But it is against my religion.”

“What.”

“It is against my religion.”

“Wait. What religion? You have a religion? And what kind of religion is against me working anyways?!”

Jin grins, chest swelling with pride.

“Jin!religion,” He proudly proclaims.

“Are you serious.”

“Yes, see?” Jin pulls out a piece of paper that had, oddly enough, been stashed under the skirt of his habit. “You have gone against the second and third commandments.”

Jin holds out the list in front of Kame’s nose. It’s a crummy piece of paper, with messy writing and lots of scribbles.

THE TEN CUMMANDMENTS COMMANDMENTS OF JIN!RELIGION.

1. EVERYONE SHALL WORSHIP JIN
2. YOU WILL HAVE SEX WITH JIN ON JIN DAY.
3. JIN DAY IS EVERY DAY THAT ENDS WITH THE LETTER ‘Y’

Kame sputters, refusing to read any further. So this is what Jin was going to apply his newly acquired English skills to.

“There is a way you can be forgiven,” Jin says.

“Jin. You’re not a god.”

“No. But I am a sex god.”

Kame scoffs.

“You see?” Jin emphasizes this by swinging his hips, which looks downright wrong when dressed as a nun. Plus, it looks better with shiny, tight pants and the random fur pelts from unidentifiable animals anyways.

“Anyways. There is a way you can be forgiven,” Jin says, returning to his main point, something rare in the distractible boy’s life.

“Look, Jin--”

“Is there an offering of Kame today?”

Jin grins as Kame drops his jaw open.

Kame opens his mouth, but the list of commandments appears in front of his face again.

“Look! Look!”

4. THERE SHALL BE OFFERINGS OF KAME ON JIN DAY. SOMETIMES OFTEN MORE THAN ONCE A DAY.
5. FOLLOWERS OF JIN!RELIGION SHALL SUBMIT THEIR WILL TO JIN.
6. JIN IS ALWAYS ON TOP
7. YOU SHALL DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO PLEASURE JIN.

“Seeing as there have been no offerings of Kame lately, clearly you have been going against many of these. However, I can overlook that,” Jin continues to prattle on.

“I accept all kinds of donations, and they need not be monetary.” He winks at Kame.

Kame sighs, following Jin up the steps to the altar. He knows better than to even try and persuade Jin to quit this act. After being with his boyfriend long enough, Kame knows he will just have to play along until Jin a) plays his role out long enough and gets bored or b) gets horny and distracted and they have sex.

“Anyways, seeing as you are the only follower I have here today, let’s get started. So, we gather here today, to worship the sex god.” Jin pauses. Kame arches a brow.

“Oh, yeah. That’s me. Haha.”

Jin pats the altar.

“Do you, Kame, offer yourself as a SACRIFICE TODAY--”

The front doors bang open, and Jin stands with mouth agape, aghast at the one who would have the gall to interrupt his procession.

“Daite, daite, daite senorita~”

“I. YOU. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL OF THIS. PI, YOU BITCH, YOU INTERRUPTED ME.”

“I want to help!” Yamapi cries, running in with what appears to be turtle plushies, some of which fall to the marble floors as he approaches the two.

“Tsuyoku, tsuyoku, tsuyoku, hanasanaide~”

“STOP THAT... THAT... THAT MUSIC,” Jin screams. “GET IT OUT OF MY FANDOM. NO, PI, YOU CANNOT STEAL MY SPOTLIGHT, WE ARE, UM, ANTI-YAMAPI-ISM.”

“What? I even brought more offerings for you. Plushie ones. How can you refuse turtle plushies? Jin, you’re so mean,” Yamapi pouts, trembling his bottom lip at Jin.

Jin sticks his tongue out at Yamapi.

“As much as you require Kame!sacrifices, Jin!religion also sometimes calls for threesomes with, uh, Yamapi-ism,” Yamapi says.

“No it doesn’t!”

“Yes it does, see?” Yamapi lifts up a paper that says THE TEN CUMMANDMENTS COMMANDMENTS at the top.

There, right at the bottom it says:

11. THOU SHALT ALLOW  PI SANDWICHES.

“It does...” Jin says, wide-eyed. “HEY WAIT A MINUTE, PI. GIVE ME BACK MY PAPER--I MEAN, MY, COMMANDMENTS.”

Kame can only stare at the idiocy before him.

‘That’s more than ten, bakas!’

“See, I even brought the holy water!” Yamapi pulls a bottle out from his pants.

Kame snatches the bottle away before Jin can reach it.

“THIS ISN’T HOLY WATER, THIS IS LUBE,” Kame yells.

“Ah, but it is just as holy,” Pi says matter-of-fact-edly, even raising his index finger in emphasis.

And then Kame feels himself grabbed by the waist, and Jin has thrown him down on top of the altar. When Jin pulls out a knife, Kame shrieks and flails away. After all, who would trust Jin with a knife? He did not even trust him with a spoon. But strong hands grab both his wrists, and those hips pin him down and Jin is breathing in his ear.

“Today, your sacrifice will be your clothes,” Jin whispers in his ear as he carefully runs the blade down Kame’s shirt.

The doors slam open again.

“OH, FOR THE LOVE OF JIN,“ Jin yells, upset at being interrupted again. However, before he can curse any further, he stops short in surprise, face turning white as he stares at the head priest standing there, just as aghast at seeing what looks like a murder just about to take place.

“MURDER, MURDER!” screams the old priest.

“We are so going to hell now,” Yamapi whines. “Or worse, jail! This is all your fault, Jin!”

“No it’s not!”

‘Jail isn’t worse than hell!!!!’ Kame thinks to himself, clearly understanding now why Jin and Yamapi are friends.

With all of the old man’s screaming, there is a pattering of feet and a large number of nuns (actual ones, mind you) run in, huddled together, nervously looking about for a murderer. One of the younger ones notices Kame, Jin, and Yamapi at the altar. Her jaw drops, and she shakily lifts her hand to point at them.

“H-Hey, aren’t they… aren’t they from Johnny’s Entertainment?”

“OH MY GOD, THEY ARE! My brother’s great granddaughter loves them!”

“WILL YOU SIGN MY BIBLE?!”

“…”

“…”

“On second thought, please arrest me now,” Yamapi sobs.

--

// Where’s commandments 8, 9, and 10? I dunno. XD; You can come up with your own I guess. *FAILS*

I even drew a nun!Jin for this, but I don’t know where it went. 1 Pound no Fukuin couldn’t have come at a better time, lol.